“Life is complicated. Each of us has to go our own way in life. There are no self-help manuals, no recipes, no easy answers.” Mr. Scott Peck’s words are a stark reminder that there are problems that cannot be resolved with couples therapy. What to do instead?
9 instances where couples counseling can’t help
Therapy for relationship problems has become more common and accepted today. This is mainly due to 3 main reasons, as described in this document on “Couple Therapy in the 2020s”.
These 3 reasons are rising divorce rates, perceived emotional well-being and higher expectations in relationships. Also, as this Forbes article on the effectiveness of marriage counseling explains, 70% of couples are positively impacted.
However, there are still some unresolvable issues in couple therapy, as listed below. In short, in the words of Mr. Scott Peck, there is no magic wand.
1. Severe mental illness
There are different types of therapists according to their training. Often, marriage therapists do not have clinical training, which may be necessary in extreme cases.
So, when is couple therapy inappropriate? Essentially, in cases, as Virginia Hospital details in its Overview of Mental Illness, some people need to be hospitalized. That’s not to say that a mental health professional can’t help them, but that professional probably won’t be a marriage therapist.
2. Irreconcilable values
Values are your guiding beliefs about how to live life. When couples have incompatible values, their approach is skewed, causing great conflict.
In this case, no therapy can change these values because they are innate and based on experience, as Mark Manson explains in his detailed article on personal values.
3. No desire to change
If the advice doesn’t work, ask yourself if any of you don’t want to change. Relationships require self-discipline, self-reflection, and commitment, but a therapist cannot make them human.
4. External factors
Life sometimes throws us insurmountable challenges, such as wars and pandemics, that can force us to live apart. Of course, a therapist can’t eliminate these externalities, but skilled people can help you reframe and reorient your relationship if you really want to.
5. Irreconcilable non-negotiable points
Other issues that cannot be resolved in couple therapy include, for example, different views about children. If one person lives to have children one day, but the other can never tolerate them, the role of therapist is nearly impossible to fulfill.
Although nothing is impossible if perhaps external expectations drive these desires. A therapist can help you understand what each of you really wants and break it down into what the people around you are pushing you to want.
You never know what’s in common unless you seek the help of a relationship counselor, but sometimes the result is that your innate desires don’t match.
6. Lack of safety
When a partner is physically abusive, it is not the therapist’s job to encourage that aggression by holding them together during therapy.
Of course, that doesn’t mean individual therapy can’t be effective, but the first step is to ensure a solution that is safe for both. To learn more, watch this video from a psychotherapist’s perspective on creating emotional security:
7. Contempt
Many of the unsolvable problems in couples therapy revolve around disrespect. As one of the four horsemen of marriage, according to marriage expert John Gottman, contempt is one of the surest signs of divorce.
Again, in some cases, a trained therapist or counselor can restore trust and friendship in a relationship. In many cases, however, contempt is the final nail in the coffin.
8. Secrets
No matter how good they are, if either of you is keeping it a secret, no therapist or counselor can ever come to terms with you. In short, you are hiding a part of yourself that you must include if you want to move forward.
9. Expecting a magic wand
Last but not least, many couples go to therapy in the hope that the therapist will change partners. The others left as they signed the divorce papers.
If you don’t give therapy time, there can be no change. Also, it’s not about changing the other person but looking at how you impact the relationship.
Each person must work simultaneously with their own behaviors and expectations for therapy and counseling to be successful.
What to do instead?
The first point to note about problems that cannot be resolved in couples therapy is that life is a series of problems and all relationships have conflict. You just have to decide if these are unforgivable sticking points.
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Counseling or therapy for individuals
A relationship problem often stems from our own problems, so individual therapy can be helpful. Alternatively, they can guide you through figuring out if the relationship is right for you.
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Conflict management and mediation support
Another approach to unresolvable problems in couples therapy is to use mediation. While therapists address the behaviors that cause conflict, mediators help couples work through their problems.
Just remember that mediation can help you move forward. However, this will not address the core of the conflict.
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Alternative specialist expert professionals
Depending on the relationship issue, you can also target professionals. For example, family therapists focus on the entire family unit, including children. Other professionals also specialize in areas such as communications.
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The last resort
When counseling doesn’t work, of course, there’s divorce. The key is not to see it as a failure. Instead, do everything you can at first, then accept that it’s the wisest course for both of you.